Postpartum Blues: What Can A Partner do?
Every new beginning is also an ending of what was before. Every ending is a beginning. Whenever a baby is born, the world will never be the same. This is wonderful. It's also okay to grieve for the loss of the way life was before.
As magical as the journey of parenthood is, it often begins with a period of feeling blue. Women's bodies are the scene of a powerful changing tide of hormones in the days and weeks after a baby is born. The rising hormone levels that gradually effected the incredible changes in a woman's body during the time she was carrying the baby have now precipitously dropped.
Most new mothers (perhaps as many as 90%) will have periods of weepiness, mood swings, anxiety, unhappiness, and regret. Usually this lasts for a few days or less and is quickly forgotten. It's not unusual, however, for the blue period to come and go for six weeks. For some moms, the blues don't begin until the baby stops nursing (another time of major hormonal shifts).
Whether her pregnancy was comfortable or not, she may be mourning the special intimacy of feeling her daughter inside her. Or she may morn not being at work anymore, especially if the woman was a powerful and successful business woman. Many new moms describe feeling empty inside. Pregnancy is a time of looking forward to an eagerly awaited moment. Now that looking forward is gone as well women at times feel a sense of loss of purpose. Also, pregnancy breaks down barriers in society. Complete strangers would beam at her, want to pat her tummy, and tell her she was glowing. They would leap up to give her a hand. Now your daughter is the focus of attention, and your wife -- who would probably benefit more now from encouragement and practical aid -- is less likely to get it.
There are several things a partner can do to help:
 | Help her get as much sleep as possible. If she is breast feeding, she will probably feel sleepy just after nursing. Encourage her to take a nap. "Sleep when the baby sleeps." Once nursing is well established, begin giving your daughter some bottle feedings (ideally of pumped breast milk). This will give her a break, and be a special time for you. |
| Get her out of the house. Even brief breaks (especially if it's time the two of you can spend together) can be very restoring, especially if you get outside. |
| Surprise her with your thoughtfulness. Whatever is special to your beloved, go out of your way to make it happen. |
| Release her from as many of her usual roles and responsibilities as possible. Unless she genuinely wants to (and her doctor okays it), she shouldn't have to cook, do dishes, write thank you notes, make love, take out the trash, feed the dog, deal with her in-laws, or anything else except baby care and self-care. If you are not fortunate enough to have paternity leave, it may be difficult for you to pick up all these extra household tasks. (Even if you do have paternity leave, you may be so sleep deprived yourself that you can't do them all!) If that's the case, get help from someone she trusts and finds relaxing to have around your home. At the same time, help her realize that she is not marginal to the household. She is an incredibly important person! if you can hire a postpartum doula, they are not only helpful with the baby but it has been proven in scientific studies that the help of a doula will reduce the risk of postpartum blues and or the more insidious postpartum depression. |
| Get as involved as possible in caring for your baby. Specifically, ask her what she would find most helpful. Would she like you to change more diapers? Read baby care books? Call your pediatrician with questions? Rock the baby to sleep? Run out and buy supplies? There is almost nothing that most new mothers appreciate more than concrete, loving assistance from the father/partner in caring for their baby. |
| Shower her with praise and encouragement. Point out to her the things that she is doing well, the ways that she is becoming more adept at baby care, the magnificence of what her body has done in creating a new life. Let her know that you believe in her capacity to be a wonderful mother. Gently remind her that it's normal and fine for motherhood to be an unfolding process. She doesn't have to have all the answers. Over time she will be amazed at how skilled she will become in understanding and nurturing her child. |
If she can't sleep (because she can't, not because the baby won't), if she doesn't want to eat, if she loses interest in life or feels hopeless, if she is having disturbing or suicidal thoughts, or if the blues are lasting more than a week or two, this might be more than postpartum blues -- she might have true postpartum depression. Seek professional advice right away. Her obstetrician or family doctor or postpartum doula, are a good place to start. Don't let anyone brush this off. True depression is much less common than the blues. Professional treatment is important, and is usually quick and effective. Whether her situation is the blues or full blown depression, don't minimize it. The weeks following your child's birth are different from any other time in your life. They are rich, complex, and often out of control. So take a deep breath. Relax. Pamper yourselves. Enjoy the little things. When life seems particularly hard, take comfort in knowing that this time will soon be over. Though life will never be the the way it was before your daughter was born, soon things will settle down. In the meantime, remind yourself and her that this is a once in a lifetime experience that you don't want to miss.
Here are some helpful websites on the subject:
http://www.postpartum.net/
http://www.depressionafterdelivery.com/
About the book Laughter and Tears:
Expectant parents, who have likely read all about
pregnancy by the end of the first trimester, can start reading about life
after birth. Bing, whose Six Practical Lessons for an Easier Childbirth
popularized the Lamaze method in the U.S., and Colman have collaborated on
three earlier books about pregnancy, including Having a Baby After Thirty.
Here, they offer detailed information on progressive stages of new
motherhood: the hours after birth; the first five days; lying-in to six
weeks; six weeks to six months; and six months to one year. They look at
many facets of new parenthood, including the impact a baby has on his
parents' relationship (couples get hung up on the "Big Five," the authors
say: money, division of labor, work, social life and their relationship). A
particularly helpful chapter helps mothers distinguish between baby blues
and full-blown postpartum depression. Also encouraging are quotes from the
new moms interviewed for the book ("I really had no idea what to do with
this tiny person"). The book's academic tone may put off some readers, but
the content is sound and offers as much to obstetricians and pediatricians
as to parents. Literary Guild and Doubleday Book Club selection.
Copyright 1996 Reed Business Information, Inc.